Even in the States I was familiar with the custom of Chinese grandparents caring for their grandchildren. I envied those parents, having help with the kids that didn't cost $1000/month, a live-in cleaning and kitchen staff, and just a closer family in general.
Moving here, I was prepared for the stories of people living with their parents, their parents caring for their children. A colleague of mine mentioned how her parents come stay with her and her husband during the week to cook for them while they work. Or the other colleague whose in-laws have recently moved in for the same purpose.
I see grandparents with grandkids everywhere, and definitely more than I see parents with their children. And boy are these kids spoiled. Maybe a by-product of the one-child policy (more on that later), but these kids don't have to carry their bags to or from the school bus, feed themselves (saw a 9-year-old being fed bites of a chicken burger while walking home), or clean up after themselves.
But what I was very surprised to learn the other day - many of these kids live with the grandparents only! The parents live somewhere else, sometimes in the same building, sometimes across town. But the grandparents aren't there to help, they are raising the kids. I was astounded. I was furious. I didn't know how to react.
Actually, my first thought was, no wonder parents bug their kids to have kids - they want kids. My next thought was, I understand now why it takes so long for things to change in this country.
The Chinese of my generation are changing the focus of life, money, and communication in this country. They are more educated, make more money, and are in general, much better off than their parents. But none of this will pass to subsequent generations for another 20-30 years. My generation is not teaching their kids, but waiting to teach their grandkids.
Okay, but really what gets me is how you can have a child, pass them over to your parents, and essentially, walk away. They visit their kids on their day off. They have no relationship with their kids. Parents are like the family friends you see weekly for dinner, not any sort of parenting figure. And as a parent, I cannot imagine being so distant from my kids. And them from me!
This is a part of Chinese culture I cannot stand behind. I will not criticize openly (after this little rant, at least), but I also will not encourage it.
Something Chinese I can support, however, is the cooking.
My very generous mother-in-law sent us some cookbooks about Sichuan cooking. We are in the land of Sichuan (Szechwan in the States) and that means very spicy food. It is fabulous. And it is easy.
My favorite cookbook so far is Mrs. Chiang's Szechwan Cookbook. Mrs. Chiang is apparently the Julia Child of Sichuan cooking and I have discovered why. This book holds the recipe basics for all Sichuan cooking, from chilled bean curd to street noodles to hot pot. As is in many cultures, cooking the food is more about the technique than decifering its exoticness (is that a word? It should be). The keys to most Sichuan cooking are the spices, and there are only a few you need - garlic, ginger, sichuan peppercorns, and chili bean paste. With these, anything deliciously wonderful you crave is at your fingertips.
Here is my current favorite:
Eggplant with Chopped Meat (adapted from Mrs. Chiang)
Ingredients
1/2 lb. ground pork
3 tbsps. soy sauce
1tbsp. sesame oil
8 scallions
2 medium eggplants (about 1 lb.)
8 cloves garlic
1-inch piece fresh ginger
5 tbsps peanut oil
2 tbsps chili bean paste
1 1/2 tsps sugar
1 1/2 tsps salt
Preparation
1. Put the pork in a bowl and add the soy sauce and sesame oil.
2. Clean and chop the scallions, green and white parts, about 1/8-inch wide. Add half the scallions to the pork mix. Save the other half.
3. Peel the eggplants and cut into 1-inch cubes (though I usually go closer to 2-inches).
4. Smash, peel, and chop the garlic into pieces the size of uncooked rice.
5. Peel, and chop the ginger into pieces the size of uncooked rice.
Cooking
1. Heat wok over med-high about 15 seconds and add the peanut oil. The oil is ready when first little bubbles appear.
2. Add garlic and ginger and cook 30 seconds stirring constantly to keep from burning.
3. Add chili bean paste and stir another 30 seconds.
4. Add the pork and cook for 2 minutes, stirring constantly and breaking the pork into small pieces.
5. Add the eggplant and stir to coat. Cook for about 4 minutes, or until the eggplant begins to soften.
6. Add salt and sugar and cook 1 minute.
7. Pour in 2/3 cup water, add reserved scallions, and bring to a boil. Turn down to simmer, cover, and cook 10-15 minutes to preferred consistency.
8. Put in a serving bowl. Serve with rice and a vegetable stir-fry (garlic green beans are our favorite with this dish).
I sometimes make this on Sunday and eat it all week. Like many dishes, it is sometimes better after a couple of days. One note of caution: have all ingredients ready before cooking. Cooking in a wok requires baby-sitting. You must be there to stir constantly until the simmering part or the dish will burn.
Also, you should be able to find chili bean paste at a Chinese or Asian market. If not, another Asian hot pepper paste can be used, though I haven't done this personally. The recipe in the book calls for hot pepper paste, but the most flavorful in Chongqing is the chili bean paste so that is what I use.
Happy cooking!
11.26.2010
11.11.2010
Some things are better left said
There are so many things I want to say but fear the breadth of my readership. The expat community here is very small, and though I don't feel totally at home, they are our link to the world outside Chongqing. Sometimes you just need a China break.
Ah! I can't say what I want.
Ah! I can't say what I want.
Title change. 'Some things are better left UNsaid'.
Mood change...
Here are some recent thoughts and goings on:
- My husband is out getting me chocolate and a movie to wash away my not-grading-tonight-no-matter-what guilt.
- I leave in 3 days for a beautiful stay on the ocean in Shenzen. Work thing, but only from 9-3. Not sure I'll know what to do with myself without children around. Oh - Mexican food. May eat there every meal.
- I know you wish someone at some point in your life had said this to you: "I tooted this way so it wouldn't get in your eyes again". I know you're jealous. Your day will come.
- For the first time tonight someone I've never seen before pressed the button for my floor without prompting.
- I miss grass.
- H&M opened two weeks ago and I have started rebuilding my wardrobe. Finally, clothes that fit.
- A 4-lane bridge became 6 lanes in a weeks time. Next week I'll have pictures of the crane being used to put in a tree. Seriously. A crane. 15-foot tall tree. Seriously.
- I am terribly sorry for not keeping up with your blogs.
- Penny has a mysterious China rash.
- I have new slippers.
 |
| New slippers |
- So does Tate.
 |
| Tate's new slippers. |
10.31.2010
How have you changed in the past 3 months?
I'm glad you asked!
1. I have developed seasonal allergies to whatever blooms here in the fall. After a "oh sh*t I'm allergic to dust mites and they're in our mattress" scare, we have determined I am just allergic to the normal stuff. Still pretty horrible.
2. I have lost 10 lbs! Without trying! Baby weight finally leaving after 19 months. This is a very cool and very frustrating consequence of being sick for a month, eating smaller portions, and carrying 35-lb children around on your back. The few clothes I brought no longer fit, including the brand new pair of shorts that my mom and I argued about over the size (she swore I should get the smaller ones and I demured). I feel frumpy every time I walk out the door. And I want to buy new clothes, but finding time to go shopping without the family is hard.
3. I'm building really awesome relationships with my students. Rad.
4. I love my husband more. We went out last night (without kids until 11!) and I could only think about how much more I love him because of this experience. He has always been supportive of anything I wanted to do, but he has taken on the role of a house husband with relish. He cooks. He cleans. He gets up early with the girls. He doesn't get mad when I have to work for the 4th night in a row. He puts up with my bad moods. He tries to learn Chinese and find the cool parts of the city for us. He just jumped in, by my side, smiling, into this crazy city that is now home. And I'm finding I don't have the vocabulary to really express what I mean. But wow, how I love this man.
5. I understand less of what my child says as she learns to speak. As Penny learns English, she is also learning Chinese. Harper too. But Penny has a Chinese nanny 2 days a week (for $15 a day!) and is learning a lot of Chinese from her. We went walking last week and Penny pointed to a little orange a little boy had and said something. The grandparents with this boy went crazy over the fact that Penny said something and repeated it over and over excitedly. I still have no clue what she said. Apparently, it was Chinese.
6. I'm living in China!!!! Yeah, still new, still amazing.
How have you changed since I left? Would love to hear.
1. I have developed seasonal allergies to whatever blooms here in the fall. After a "oh sh*t I'm allergic to dust mites and they're in our mattress" scare, we have determined I am just allergic to the normal stuff. Still pretty horrible.
2. I have lost 10 lbs! Without trying! Baby weight finally leaving after 19 months. This is a very cool and very frustrating consequence of being sick for a month, eating smaller portions, and carrying 35-lb children around on your back. The few clothes I brought no longer fit, including the brand new pair of shorts that my mom and I argued about over the size (she swore I should get the smaller ones and I demured). I feel frumpy every time I walk out the door. And I want to buy new clothes, but finding time to go shopping without the family is hard.
3. I'm building really awesome relationships with my students. Rad.
4. I love my husband more. We went out last night (without kids until 11!) and I could only think about how much more I love him because of this experience. He has always been supportive of anything I wanted to do, but he has taken on the role of a house husband with relish. He cooks. He cleans. He gets up early with the girls. He doesn't get mad when I have to work for the 4th night in a row. He puts up with my bad moods. He tries to learn Chinese and find the cool parts of the city for us. He just jumped in, by my side, smiling, into this crazy city that is now home. And I'm finding I don't have the vocabulary to really express what I mean. But wow, how I love this man.
6. I'm living in China!!!! Yeah, still new, still amazing.
How have you changed since I left? Would love to hear.
10.01.2010
Being a mom in China
Being a Caucasian mother in Chongqing is difficult. There are so many things I don't have here that I take for granted back home: clean water out of the tap; clothes without a bunch of sparkly crap on them; car seats.
But most of all, it is two things: the attention, and reading labels.
Oh, the attention. Alone, I bring a lot of attention to myself just because I am not Chinese. I constantly hear waigouren, foreigner, when walking about. Add two adorable children, one with blonde hair, the other chubby cheeks, and swarms begin. Everywhere we go with the girls we cannot stop moving. Stopping means people come to touch, clap at, scream at, and essentially scare, the girls. People touch their hair. People pet their faces. Older ladies, especially, clap in the girls' faces, scream things at them in Chinese, and send the girls scrambling for cover.
I understand that in China, there is a different meaning of personal space. Friends hold hands walking down the street, and standing right up against someone in the checkout at the grocery store is not uncomfortable.
But frightening small children is too much. The girls will become visibly upset and people just laugh, and come in for more. The touching is one thing. The clapping is another. But not stopping when kids run and cry is too much. It really REALLY bothers me.
I was nice in the beginning, but now, I don't stop. I push hands away. I protect my girls.
And no more pictures. What are we, a freak show?
The other thing bothering me lately is not being able to read labels. It's annoying as a mom, and just as a shopper. I am used to knowing what I am purchasing. Most times now I can only guess. It has pushed us toward much more fresh food, which is good, but sometimes you just want to make something out of a box. Not that there is much of that here, but what exists is not available to us. Pictures on labels and boxes are even less reliable here with no enforceable laws against false advertising. There's no way to be sure what ingredients are in something. Mostly we guess, and have been alright so far. But not knowing what you are feeding your child is a bit unsettling.
Overall, we are adjusting to life in Chongqing - I am adjusting. I seem to be having the most difficult time, but I also have had the least exposure to the city. I have been working since 5 days after arriving. The culture shock has hit me harder. I will get used to it, and create survival strategies to manage.
But until then, I hate being a mom in China.
But most of all, it is two things: the attention, and reading labels.
Oh, the attention. Alone, I bring a lot of attention to myself just because I am not Chinese. I constantly hear waigouren, foreigner, when walking about. Add two adorable children, one with blonde hair, the other chubby cheeks, and swarms begin. Everywhere we go with the girls we cannot stop moving. Stopping means people come to touch, clap at, scream at, and essentially scare, the girls. People touch their hair. People pet their faces. Older ladies, especially, clap in the girls' faces, scream things at them in Chinese, and send the girls scrambling for cover.
I understand that in China, there is a different meaning of personal space. Friends hold hands walking down the street, and standing right up against someone in the checkout at the grocery store is not uncomfortable.
But frightening small children is too much. The girls will become visibly upset and people just laugh, and come in for more. The touching is one thing. The clapping is another. But not stopping when kids run and cry is too much. It really REALLY bothers me.
I was nice in the beginning, but now, I don't stop. I push hands away. I protect my girls.
And no more pictures. What are we, a freak show?
The other thing bothering me lately is not being able to read labels. It's annoying as a mom, and just as a shopper. I am used to knowing what I am purchasing. Most times now I can only guess. It has pushed us toward much more fresh food, which is good, but sometimes you just want to make something out of a box. Not that there is much of that here, but what exists is not available to us. Pictures on labels and boxes are even less reliable here with no enforceable laws against false advertising. There's no way to be sure what ingredients are in something. Mostly we guess, and have been alright so far. But not knowing what you are feeding your child is a bit unsettling.
Overall, we are adjusting to life in Chongqing - I am adjusting. I seem to be having the most difficult time, but I also have had the least exposure to the city. I have been working since 5 days after arriving. The culture shock has hit me harder. I will get used to it, and create survival strategies to manage.
But until then, I hate being a mom in China.
9.24.2010
Morning messages
HD: ysho thawas safbi asdifn ifawoei.
Me: What?
HD: ysho thawas safbi asdifn ifawoei.
POP! (out comes the binky)
Me: What?
HD: You're the best momma in the world.
Me: What?
HD: ysho thawas safbi asdifn ifawoei.
POP! (out comes the binky)
Me: What?
HD: You're the best momma in the world.
9.04.2010
Greetings from China!
Hello all!
We have been in Chongqing, China for a month now and I finally figured out how to access this blog (as well as yours!). I have been handed a crazy load of work at school so I may not be able to update this as often as I would like. However, I'm happy to be able to check in with all of your goings on.
And Tate will be helping keep the new family blog going over at wordpress:
http://braeckelland.wordpress.com
That will probably be update more frequently.
Thanks for keeping up with me. I'll post some China adventure stories soon!
We have been in Chongqing, China for a month now and I finally figured out how to access this blog (as well as yours!). I have been handed a crazy load of work at school so I may not be able to update this as often as I would like. However, I'm happy to be able to check in with all of your goings on.
And Tate will be helping keep the new family blog going over at wordpress:
http://braeckelland.wordpress.com
That will probably be update more frequently.
Thanks for keeping up with me. I'll post some China adventure stories soon!
8.03.2010
7.25.2010
Thank you
I am so inspired by the amount of readers finding their way here. It's weird. I don't know really how to feel about it other than to say thanks. I started this for fun and as a way to connect with other moms. Now I'm moving and this will (hopefully) transform into a wild travel guide for Chongqing, China.
Thank you for reading now, and I hope you continue to find your way here in the future.
By the way, no update on the whole blogging in China thing. I'll let you know when I get there.
Thank you for reading now, and I hope you continue to find your way here in the future.
By the way, no update on the whole blogging in China thing. I'll let you know when I get there.
6.27.2010
New blog update
The three most popular blogging sites are blocked in China: Blogger, Wordpress, and Livejournal. What do I do?
I'm tempted to just create my own website, but don't know how. Is it hard? I feel a bit dumb asking this. I mean, I have a blog, right? But I don't do anything special here. I can't even figure out how to do that cool strike-through thing 'cause it's not on my toolbar. And I still don't understand how putting an html thingy in a box creates this cool picture thing with a link on my page. Magic, I think.
What I think will end up happening is the creation of a blog once I get to China, chat up some people, and figure out my options. It will be interesting letting everyone here know since I'll have to email the info to a friend and have them post for me.
Well, you're stuck with me here for the next 6 weeks (!). This blog should be renamed "Mad.Mover" for that time. I imagine what you will see regards our upheaval, as Tate put it, from Portland and transition across the globe. We have multiple To Do lists going of all the stuff needed done when faced with two years out of the US. It's remarkably complicated.
Things to expect:
1. Pictures of all the crap I...am getting rid of. Everything in our house has a label: take; store; get rid of. Guess how most of it's labeled? Every day I look around and find something else I would pack to Florida but disappears when moving to China. I am kind of sickened by the amount of stuff we have that we really have no use for. Our apartment is filled with junk. Really beautiful junk you should come relieve us of! No really, there is good stuff, just not good enough to pay the $200/50 lbs. to ship.
2. Whining about all the stuff that needs to get done.
3. Exhuberance about the adventure we're taking. Ahhh! CHINA! No, not used to it yet.
4. Adorable pictures of the girls. Mostly because they really are adorable, and that's not just the mom in me talking. Others have told me. (hee hee)
5. Bragging about how awesome I am for getting a job in CHINA because we get to live in CHINA.
Now I really should work on finishing my master's. I am paying dearly for it.
Adorable pictures soon.
I'm tempted to just create my own website, but don't know how. Is it hard? I feel a bit dumb asking this. I mean, I have a blog, right? But I don't do anything special here. I can't even figure out how to do that cool strike-through thing 'cause it's not on my toolbar. And I still don't understand how putting an html thingy in a box creates this cool picture thing with a link on my page. Magic, I think.
What I think will end up happening is the creation of a blog once I get to China, chat up some people, and figure out my options. It will be interesting letting everyone here know since I'll have to email the info to a friend and have them post for me.
Well, you're stuck with me here for the next 6 weeks (!). This blog should be renamed "Mad.Mover" for that time. I imagine what you will see regards our upheaval, as Tate put it, from Portland and transition across the globe. We have multiple To Do lists going of all the stuff needed done when faced with two years out of the US. It's remarkably complicated.
Things to expect:
1. Pictures of all the crap I...am getting rid of. Everything in our house has a label: take; store; get rid of. Guess how most of it's labeled? Every day I look around and find something else I would pack to Florida but disappears when moving to China. I am kind of sickened by the amount of stuff we have that we really have no use for. Our apartment is filled with junk. Really beautiful junk you should come relieve us of! No really, there is good stuff, just not good enough to pay the $200/50 lbs. to ship.
2. Whining about all the stuff that needs to get done.
3. Exhuberance about the adventure we're taking. Ahhh! CHINA! No, not used to it yet.
4. Adorable pictures of the girls. Mostly because they really are adorable, and that's not just the mom in me talking. Others have told me. (hee hee)
5. Bragging about how awesome I am for getting a job in CHINA because we get to live in CHINA.
Now I really should work on finishing my master's. I am paying dearly for it.
Adorable pictures soon.
6.20.2010
Potty update
Harper has been amazing with potty training. Until this week, she has had few accidents, and the ones she has are usually due to a refusal to stop playing to go potty. As Tate reflected, it's like when we have to pee during a good conversation: if you leave, the flow is disrupted and can't be restored. Indeed.
Any-who, in light of the awesomeness Harper has been, Tate and her went to get big-kid underwear today (none of the extra padding in the crotch area). Upon her return, a proud Harper walks in with her bag of big-kid underwear ready to show off:
Me: Are these boxer briefs?
Tate: Those are more for me.
Any-who, in light of the awesomeness Harper has been, Tate and her went to get big-kid underwear today (none of the extra padding in the crotch area). Upon her return, a proud Harper walks in with her bag of big-kid underwear ready to show off:
Me: Are these boxer briefs?
Tate: Those are more for me.
I'm ba-ack...but not for long
Thank you for your patience. I have finished student teaching (YEA!) and just have two weeks to go to the end of my master's. It's been a crazy year that I'm glad is coming to an end. And this is good since the next year is sure to be even crazier since we're moving to China.
What?! China!?!
Yup, China. Insane, right?
I got a job teaching at an international school in Chongqing, China. I will be the math and science secondary teacher for the school for two years. The whole family will go of course, with airfare and visas covered for all but Tate; furnished housing; health insurance; free tuition for the girls; a dope nanny for Penny; and did I mention it will be in China?
Oh, almost forgot the kicker - Tate was offered a position teaching PE. So we'll both be working.
And I get a class next year!!!
Since I last posted, I have been furiously searching for a teaching position throughout Oregon, the US and the world. Of over 25 jobs applied to, I have heard from 4. It is a bad, bad year to be a teacher. School districts are facing huge cuts having spent too much this year with the hope that things would be better next year. Entire states are on hiring freezes, and The New York Times said this was the worst year for teachers since the Great Depression. I was beginning to get really down about my job prospects. As a new teacher, how could I compete with more experienced teachers who are out of work? If I don't work, how do I pay all the student loans I took out to get my career started? Where will we live? What will I do? Will it be better next year?
All over, for me. The first point of awesomeness about going to China is getting to teach. The rest of the awesomeness is just there. Unexplainable. To be determined.
Unfortunately, there are tens of thousands of other teachers out there fighting for the few positions there are. Please, if you know an out-of-work teacher, keep your ears open for them and use your connections to get them an in for interviews. It's horrible out there and we all need to do what we can to help those we know.
My final note for this post: I have to leave Blogger. I am moving to a country that has banned much of Google because of its refusal to censor the search content. Doing some research, I discovered this site that Google has going to lets its users know what is and is not accessible on mainland China daily. It seems my Gmail account is safe for now, but Blogger has to go. I want nothing more than to write of all my experiences in Chongqing. However, that means this blog is ended and another begun. Once I have made the switch, a last post will be done here to direct you.
Any suggestions on a good free blogging site to use?
What?! China!?!
Yup, China. Insane, right?
I got a job teaching at an international school in Chongqing, China. I will be the math and science secondary teacher for the school for two years. The whole family will go of course, with airfare and visas covered for all but Tate; furnished housing; health insurance; free tuition for the girls; a dope nanny for Penny; and did I mention it will be in China?
Oh, almost forgot the kicker - Tate was offered a position teaching PE. So we'll both be working.
And I get a class next year!!!
Since I last posted, I have been furiously searching for a teaching position throughout Oregon, the US and the world. Of over 25 jobs applied to, I have heard from 4. It is a bad, bad year to be a teacher. School districts are facing huge cuts having spent too much this year with the hope that things would be better next year. Entire states are on hiring freezes, and The New York Times said this was the worst year for teachers since the Great Depression. I was beginning to get really down about my job prospects. As a new teacher, how could I compete with more experienced teachers who are out of work? If I don't work, how do I pay all the student loans I took out to get my career started? Where will we live? What will I do? Will it be better next year?
All over, for me. The first point of awesomeness about going to China is getting to teach. The rest of the awesomeness is just there. Unexplainable. To be determined.
Unfortunately, there are tens of thousands of other teachers out there fighting for the few positions there are. Please, if you know an out-of-work teacher, keep your ears open for them and use your connections to get them an in for interviews. It's horrible out there and we all need to do what we can to help those we know.
My final note for this post: I have to leave Blogger. I am moving to a country that has banned much of Google because of its refusal to censor the search content. Doing some research, I discovered this site that Google has going to lets its users know what is and is not accessible on mainland China daily. It seems my Gmail account is safe for now, but Blogger has to go. I want nothing more than to write of all my experiences in Chongqing. However, that means this blog is ended and another begun. Once I have made the switch, a last post will be done here to direct you.
Any suggestions on a good free blogging site to use?
5.09.2010
the potty files
we did it. we jumped into the potty-training abyss. wheee!!!!
a couple weeks ago Tate and I realized we were wimps when it came to potty training. we put Harper in underwear, would inevitably forget to remind her to go potty and puddles of pee would appear. how did we respond? must not be ready - put a diaper on that kid!
how wrong we were.
last Saturday we took the plunge: no more diapers (except at night because a screaming, wet 2-year-old at 3 in the morning that wakes up her little sister sounds like hell. we'll wait until the diaper is dry in the morning - I've been told it happens...)*, only underwear.
saturday was all pee, all the time, and lots of clothes changing.
sunday was all dry, all the time, with pee in it's proper place and clothes in the dresser.
the rest of the week has been good, with a clearly ready two-year-old being the big kid in underwear, even going potty in the loud toilet at the grocery store.
is there a prouder moment than this?
I don't believe you.
this Mother's Day I would like to salute my big kid, Harper D. high-fives and kisses all around. here's to you Noodle!
*I apologize a little for the incredibly long paranthesis but it had to be done. I'm sure you understand.
a couple weeks ago Tate and I realized we were wimps when it came to potty training. we put Harper in underwear, would inevitably forget to remind her to go potty and puddles of pee would appear. how did we respond? must not be ready - put a diaper on that kid!
how wrong we were.
last Saturday we took the plunge: no more diapers (except at night because a screaming, wet 2-year-old at 3 in the morning that wakes up her little sister sounds like hell. we'll wait until the diaper is dry in the morning - I've been told it happens...)*, only underwear.
saturday was all pee, all the time, and lots of clothes changing.
sunday was all dry, all the time, with pee in it's proper place and clothes in the dresser.
the rest of the week has been good, with a clearly ready two-year-old being the big kid in underwear, even going potty in the loud toilet at the grocery store.
is there a prouder moment than this?
I don't believe you.
this Mother's Day I would like to salute my big kid, Harper D. high-fives and kisses all around. here's to you Noodle!
*I apologize a little for the incredibly long paranthesis but it had to be done. I'm sure you understand.
4.10.2010
Am I smarter than my 2-year-old?
Tate and I were having a perfectly wonderful evening: watched a movie, good special features, no kid interruptions. Until that magic time when toddlers know you really want to go to bed, and they wake. For us, this is about 10:30. Last night was no exception, and it was very, um, frustrating? upsetting? I don't know. I'm not good with adjectives. Maybe by the end of this, I'll have a good one. Here's the play-by-play:
10:35 Harper up, crying. Sometimes she just has to find her pacifier and go back to bed. This time, she kept crying. I went in. She could not be consoled. She would not even lay down. Her ear hurt. She was scared. That last bit got me. We're entering nightmare age. I don't want to mess with this. As someone who had terrible nightmares as a child, I know how much a parent's arms mean.
10:45 In the bathroom with Harper, brushing teeth and generally getting ready for bed. Yes, she would be coming with me.
10:55 Back to bed, our bed. Harper sleeps between us to avoid falling off. She barely gave room for me to put my head on the pillow. Closed the blinds to keep the streetlights out. Daddy comes to bed. Time to sleep.
11:05 Already frustrated with Harper's restlessness. I tell her to quit moving around. She wants to go back to her bed. Cool. Let's go.
11:15 Still messing around on her bed, alternately crying without explanation, and laying down, pawing her left ear saying it hurts. I give here some pain meds for her ear. Along with nightmares, I also had horrible ear infections as a child that would keep me up all night. I hoped the meds would work.
11:30 "I want to go back to your bed". Fine. Whatever. I just want to go to bed.
11:45 I can't handle the tossing and turning anymore (I now really know what that expression means, by the way). I'm worried about Harper's ear and decide this is a night we're just gonna be up for a while. I propose a movie on the couch so we can be noisy and move around as needed. I was also hoping Harper would fall asleep.
12:55 I wake up from dozing to Harper wide awake, watching the movie, without issue. Not scared. Ear fine. Enjoying the show.
12:58 Harper's in bed, screaming, crying and generally making life hell for our neighbors. At this point I'm also crying from frustration, exhaustion, and wanting to pull my hair out. Though I doubt I was bothering the neighbors.
1:01 Silence.
1:03 Been silent long enough, I chance laying down.
1:10 Harper enters our room and climbs into bed. I tell her to go to sleep or it's back to her bed.
She stays. She sleeps. And Tate lets me sleep in.
What gets me about this whole thing is that my 2-year-old manipulated me so well. She played the scared card with the ear infection card. She's never even had an ear infection. But she felt my empathy and willingness to cave to her demands and ran with it. And got to watch a movie in the middle of the night. I lost sleep because I took 2 and 1/2 hours to let Harper scream the 3 minutes it took to get her to cave.
I feel like a fool. I feel like a bad mom, first for giving in, and second for letting her cry. I feel like being a mom makes you too sensitive to the cries of your babies, even when they're no longer babies. That evolutionary survival insurance for babies can sure be a liability for mothers. I'm tired of being tired. And I wonder if my 2-year-old is smarter than me. Knows my weaknesses, can sense my fear and ignorance of the problem. Works me.
All I can say is, "not next time". But then again, I remember saying this before.
Infuriating. Maddening. Exasperating.
Yeah, those are good.
10:35 Harper up, crying. Sometimes she just has to find her pacifier and go back to bed. This time, she kept crying. I went in. She could not be consoled. She would not even lay down. Her ear hurt. She was scared. That last bit got me. We're entering nightmare age. I don't want to mess with this. As someone who had terrible nightmares as a child, I know how much a parent's arms mean.
10:45 In the bathroom with Harper, brushing teeth and generally getting ready for bed. Yes, she would be coming with me.
10:55 Back to bed, our bed. Harper sleeps between us to avoid falling off. She barely gave room for me to put my head on the pillow. Closed the blinds to keep the streetlights out. Daddy comes to bed. Time to sleep.
11:05 Already frustrated with Harper's restlessness. I tell her to quit moving around. She wants to go back to her bed. Cool. Let's go.
11:15 Still messing around on her bed, alternately crying without explanation, and laying down, pawing her left ear saying it hurts. I give here some pain meds for her ear. Along with nightmares, I also had horrible ear infections as a child that would keep me up all night. I hoped the meds would work.
11:30 "I want to go back to your bed". Fine. Whatever. I just want to go to bed.
11:45 I can't handle the tossing and turning anymore (I now really know what that expression means, by the way). I'm worried about Harper's ear and decide this is a night we're just gonna be up for a while. I propose a movie on the couch so we can be noisy and move around as needed. I was also hoping Harper would fall asleep.
12:55 I wake up from dozing to Harper wide awake, watching the movie, without issue. Not scared. Ear fine. Enjoying the show.
12:58 Harper's in bed, screaming, crying and generally making life hell for our neighbors. At this point I'm also crying from frustration, exhaustion, and wanting to pull my hair out. Though I doubt I was bothering the neighbors.
1:01 Silence.
1:03 Been silent long enough, I chance laying down.
1:10 Harper enters our room and climbs into bed. I tell her to go to sleep or it's back to her bed.
She stays. She sleeps. And Tate lets me sleep in.
What gets me about this whole thing is that my 2-year-old manipulated me so well. She played the scared card with the ear infection card. She's never even had an ear infection. But she felt my empathy and willingness to cave to her demands and ran with it. And got to watch a movie in the middle of the night. I lost sleep because I took 2 and 1/2 hours to let Harper scream the 3 minutes it took to get her to cave.
I feel like a fool. I feel like a bad mom, first for giving in, and second for letting her cry. I feel like being a mom makes you too sensitive to the cries of your babies, even when they're no longer babies. That evolutionary survival insurance for babies can sure be a liability for mothers. I'm tired of being tired. And I wonder if my 2-year-old is smarter than me. Knows my weaknesses, can sense my fear and ignorance of the problem. Works me.
All I can say is, "not next time". But then again, I remember saying this before.
Infuriating. Maddening. Exasperating.
Yeah, those are good.
4.07.2010
3.29.2010
catch-up and good bye...for a little while
I cannot guarantee anything here until at least July 2: date of master's completion. until then, I am just way too busy and dread this place. I read your comments but have no intelligent words left of my own. so, as it is the first day back from Spring Break and I am not yet crazy busy (starts tomorrow), I feel I should document some things.
every time I look at this picture
my girls. sisters. best friends.
everybody run! (see #8 above)
the past month was full of fun and adventure! okay, maybe not quite with that enthusiasm, but a lot has happened. because I like the way lists look on blogs, here's mine for the month of March:
1. I finished my first worksample for my teaching license. this insane, 148-page monster was my document of one unit taught to one class showing the students learned something. pretty cool.
2. Penny turned 1! goodbye baby, hello toddlerhood. I am now the mother of two toddlers. and they're not twins. ha.
3. Penny's walking! she just up and walked. heard of it happening but hadn't ever see it. and it happened right after her birthday. it was as if she decided now that she is 1, she's too old for crawling.
4. took a trip with Harper to see Eugene. it was lovely from the car. of course, the day we go is the day it begins to rain. not rain, pour. we can handle rain, we live in Portland. but the pour was too much. will return.
5. when I get a real job I will hire someone to clean my house once a week just so I never have to clean a shower curtain again. or dust. or mop.
6. found out dogs will throw up if they eat too much corn.
7. decided I hate the way it feels to be home without my husband. it was 4 days of agony. I missed him by the end of the 1st.
8. I married the right person.
9. photos from this month I really love
Penny enjoying the sun, tulips and taste of dirt.
walking, belly first.
walking, belly first.
every time I look at this picture
I love Harper a little more.
my girls. sisters. best friends.
everybody run! (see #8 above)
farewell web friends! I will keep reading but leave the writing for inspired musts and witty moments. thanks for reading and I'll see you in July!
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
edited to add: apparently I'm not the only one loving lists. here's another. and another. and yet another. must be something in the water.
3.02.2010
I had the salad...
Tuesdays I have a class down at PSU after being at the high school. the class includes pot luck snacks. usually included are donuts, cookies, chips, other sweets, and sometimes veggies.
anyway...
because there is all this food around, I snack for 2 and 1/2 hours. on all of it. luckily today, the donuts ran out before I got there, but not the cookies. or popcorn. or chips. or baby carrots (I was a little good) with dip (okay, not really).
in honor of all this eating, I decided to take advantage of a rain-free evening and ride my bike the 6 miles home. the air was cool, traffic clear from rush hour, and I was working up a good sweat.
then I hit 16th.
and I got hungry.
all the glorious dinners being made in the nearby houses were emitting the most wonderful smells. at least one person was roasting a bird. and grease was somewhere, no mistaking it.
and there went my work-it-off-have-a-salad-at-home plan.
wait, that's not true, I had the salad. with a cheese tamale and beans and rice and cheese.
damn those home cookers with good ventilation!
anyway...
because there is all this food around, I snack for 2 and 1/2 hours. on all of it. luckily today, the donuts ran out before I got there, but not the cookies. or popcorn. or chips. or baby carrots (I was a little good) with dip (okay, not really).
in honor of all this eating, I decided to take advantage of a rain-free evening and ride my bike the 6 miles home. the air was cool, traffic clear from rush hour, and I was working up a good sweat.
then I hit 16th.
and I got hungry.
all the glorious dinners being made in the nearby houses were emitting the most wonderful smells. at least one person was roasting a bird. and grease was somewhere, no mistaking it.
and there went my work-it-off-have-a-salad-at-home plan.
wait, that's not true, I had the salad. with a cheese tamale and beans and rice and cheese.
damn those home cookers with good ventilation!
2.21.2010
funny kids
daddy, stop talking to mommy.
daddy, talk to me.
mommy, don't talk to me while I'm eating.
for 2 1/2 she's quite demanding.
on the other hand, my good friend's 3-yr.-old told the house only big breasted women could come play with him. as a woman 7 months pregnant, my friend was thrilled to join.
and the cherry on top? my baby head-butts kisses.
the kids keep me smiling.
daddy, talk to me.
mommy, don't talk to me while I'm eating.
for 2 1/2 she's quite demanding.
on the other hand, my good friend's 3-yr.-old told the house only big breasted women could come play with him. as a woman 7 months pregnant, my friend was thrilled to join.
and the cherry on top? my baby head-butts kisses.
the kids keep me smiling.
2.18.2010
what? you have a life outside school?
I will catch-up reading all your wonderful posts.
just can't right now. too far behind.
reading blogs.
cause, you know, that whole school/family/university/family thing.
I promise to return soon.
just can't right now. too far behind.
reading blogs.
cause, you know, that whole school/family/university/family thing.
I promise to return soon.
2.07.2010
the Super Bowl, epiphanies and god
CONGRATULATIONS NEW ORLEANS!
in other news, I find myself scrambling for things to write of. I feel I have a blog, I should post. all of my loyal readers come daily looking for words of wisdom, the next great epiphany and the solution to the world's problems (yes, there's just one).
but alas, I leave my brain with 15-year-olds every day at 1:00, and after that, babble until I have to sound coherent again. however, an epiphany did occur last night.
tate took me out to a wonderful birthday dinner with good friends. we ate, I drank, and we were merry. but the best part of the evening was the end when Libby informed me (and I greatly paraphrase here as like I said, I drank) I only say things that I can back up. this was a nice way of saying that when I'm a know-it-all, I have to be able to PROVE that I know. it. all.
so true.
it explains much about me, my love of science, and constant need for info. far from being offended I was amazed at Libby's ability to sneak into my brain and verbalize my unconscious motivations. during the dinner I had even stopped myself from speaking when I found I didn't know as much about the topic as I had thought.
but really, I just hate being wrong. and having to admit it.
I'd much rather know exactly what I'm talking about and be able to give you the reference on the spot so you have to believe me.
maybe everyone does it. you know, the "I heard/saw/read on ... the other day that..." but I really make a point to do it. and get nervous if I can't remember where my information came from in case someone calls me on it.
anyway, as if this wasn't enough of a personal epiphany, it also explains my agnosticism. I need proof. definitive, physical proof. and I haven't gotten any yet. as crass as it probably sounds to those of you with faith, I have been unable to believe in any god because of my lack of reference. maybe someday I will be able to say that I heard/saw/read on...the other day that ...exists and so I am transformed.
but until then, I remain just another nonbeliever.
and someone happy to see the Colts lose the Super Bowl.
in other news, I find myself scrambling for things to write of. I feel I have a blog, I should post. all of my loyal readers come daily looking for words of wisdom, the next great epiphany and the solution to the world's problems (yes, there's just one).
but alas, I leave my brain with 15-year-olds every day at 1:00, and after that, babble until I have to sound coherent again. however, an epiphany did occur last night.
tate took me out to a wonderful birthday dinner with good friends. we ate, I drank, and we were merry. but the best part of the evening was the end when Libby informed me (and I greatly paraphrase here as like I said, I drank) I only say things that I can back up. this was a nice way of saying that when I'm a know-it-all, I have to be able to PROVE that I know. it. all.
so true.
it explains much about me, my love of science, and constant need for info. far from being offended I was amazed at Libby's ability to sneak into my brain and verbalize my unconscious motivations. during the dinner I had even stopped myself from speaking when I found I didn't know as much about the topic as I had thought.
but really, I just hate being wrong. and having to admit it.
I'd much rather know exactly what I'm talking about and be able to give you the reference on the spot so you have to believe me.
maybe everyone does it. you know, the "I heard/saw/read on ... the other day that..." but I really make a point to do it. and get nervous if I can't remember where my information came from in case someone calls me on it.
anyway, as if this wasn't enough of a personal epiphany, it also explains my agnosticism. I need proof. definitive, physical proof. and I haven't gotten any yet. as crass as it probably sounds to those of you with faith, I have been unable to believe in any god because of my lack of reference. maybe someday I will be able to say that I heard/saw/read on...the other day that ...exists and so I am transformed.
but until then, I remain just another nonbeliever.
and someone happy to see the Colts lose the Super Bowl.
2.02.2010
my baby girl
ever see those dogs that "smile"? they look like they're snarling.
same thing here. we call this happy expression, "scrunch face".
aww...
1.31.2010
student teaching is not for the weak
still here. still surviving. still keepin' on.
I finished teaching my worksample (ridiculus amount of work to prove I taught some stuff) for my license. I'm tired. I still have a lot to do. Job fairs start soon. classwork too. still teaching, still planning, still fighting to stay in control in the classroom.
it will come.
it is coming. the know-how. the ability. the comfort.
but we all have to start somewhere. jump right in and learn the ropes. work your way up.
I just HATE making mistakes.
and the poor kids are missing out (?) by having to deal with me and my inexperience.
I know. they'll be fine.
and so will I. on June 19.
I finished teaching my worksample (ridiculus amount of work to prove I taught some stuff) for my license. I'm tired. I still have a lot to do. Job fairs start soon. classwork too. still teaching, still planning, still fighting to stay in control in the classroom.
it will come.
it is coming. the know-how. the ability. the comfort.
but we all have to start somewhere. jump right in and learn the ropes. work your way up.
I just HATE making mistakes.
and the poor kids are missing out (?) by having to deal with me and my inexperience.
I know. they'll be fine.
and so will I. on June 19.
1.17.2010
who's got time for resolutions?
I feel obligated to write. and there's a lot to say. but how to say it...
the past three weeks (wait, almost 4!) our family has been sick. Harper started it and got off easy -- 4 days of cruddiness. then Penny started. and me. and Tate.
Penny is still trying to kick the phlegm that collects while she sleeps that began once she recovered from rotavirus.
I went from sore throat, to cough, to cold cough, to a nose producing more boogers than should be possible from one human being.
however, Tate suffered the worst. cough. hives. cough. rotavirus. cough. fever. BILATERAL PNEUMONIA.
oh, and since this is my blog, Tate's suffering is not what needs to be broadcast, but MY suffering as a result of Tate's suffering.
I know. how caddy. how mean. he was the one with BILATERAL PNEUMONIA after all.
but I was the one beginning teaching for the first time EVER, while sick, while caring for a sick family with no help. and I just about lost my shit.
Monday I had my first experience of losing control of a class. after receiving little support from my university colleagues, I come home to a husband with a 104-degree fever and a toddler who needs to go to bed. after sending both of them to bed, I just cried. I needed emotional support. I needed to bitch, moan, tell my troubles and have my husband there to feign understanding while bringing more tissue. and he couldn't because of that whole BILATERAL PNEUMONIA thing.
and I was mad.
I was mad at him for being sick. I was mad that I was sick. I was mad that we had no help and have to do it all alone. I was mad that I went back to school. I was mad that I thought I could be a teacher.
all unreasonable. and all anger has since passed.
but it's been a hard two weeks.
and I'm beginning to really see why teachers bitch about their pay -- it is an INCREDIBLY difficult job. I can't believe this is what I have chosen. I can't believe this is what I will be doing the rest of my working life.
I can't believe how much I love the kids...
------------------------------------------------------------------------
ps. thankfully, Tate's pneumonia was bacterial and easily cleared with antibiotics. it's nice to have my man back. and thanks much to the generous people who helped get him back to me.
pps. and the resolutions I made? ha. there's a reason I've never made resolutions before.
the past three weeks (wait, almost 4!) our family has been sick. Harper started it and got off easy -- 4 days of cruddiness. then Penny started. and me. and Tate.
Penny is still trying to kick the phlegm that collects while she sleeps that began once she recovered from rotavirus.
I went from sore throat, to cough, to cold cough, to a nose producing more boogers than should be possible from one human being.
however, Tate suffered the worst. cough. hives. cough. rotavirus. cough. fever. BILATERAL PNEUMONIA.
oh, and since this is my blog, Tate's suffering is not what needs to be broadcast, but MY suffering as a result of Tate's suffering.
I know. how caddy. how mean. he was the one with BILATERAL PNEUMONIA after all.
but I was the one beginning teaching for the first time EVER, while sick, while caring for a sick family with no help. and I just about lost my shit.
Monday I had my first experience of losing control of a class. after receiving little support from my university colleagues, I come home to a husband with a 104-degree fever and a toddler who needs to go to bed. after sending both of them to bed, I just cried. I needed emotional support. I needed to bitch, moan, tell my troubles and have my husband there to feign understanding while bringing more tissue. and he couldn't because of that whole BILATERAL PNEUMONIA thing.
and I was mad.
I was mad at him for being sick. I was mad that I was sick. I was mad that we had no help and have to do it all alone. I was mad that I went back to school. I was mad that I thought I could be a teacher.
all unreasonable. and all anger has since passed.
but it's been a hard two weeks.
and I'm beginning to really see why teachers bitch about their pay -- it is an INCREDIBLY difficult job. I can't believe this is what I have chosen. I can't believe this is what I will be doing the rest of my working life.
I can't believe how much I love the kids...
------------------------------------------------------------------------
ps. thankfully, Tate's pneumonia was bacterial and easily cleared with antibiotics. it's nice to have my man back. and thanks much to the generous people who helped get him back to me.
pps. and the resolutions I made? ha. there's a reason I've never made resolutions before.
1.09.2010
why I love being a feminist
the other day I saw a guy go a couple steps out of his way to avoid a puddle and my first thought was,
"I could jump that".
no need to lay down any coats here, gentlemen.
"I could jump that".
no need to lay down any coats here, gentlemen.
1.02.2010
resolutions
I've never made New Year's Resolutions before (notice it says resolutions not resolution? goin' all out). for some reason I feel this is the time to do it. and nothing says official like posting it on the web.
so here goes...
1. crunches every morning (good-bye baby belly!).
2. ride bike to school every day. yes, every day. and rides to the bus or MAX count -- it's still at least 10 blocks...
3. teach my ass off.
4. listen more. and respond with comments that aren't about me.
5. be nicer to my husband. it's true, I'm not very nice when I'm stressed. I hope to start changing that.
I feel I should have something about the girls but I can't think of anything. that's a good sign, right? does that mean I'm happy with my parenting and the love and attention I give to my girls?
'cause I am.
and all the things listed above will ultimately lead to me being a better mom anyway.
by the way, my New Year's begins monday when school starts again, so, one more crunch-free day!
Happy New Year world!
so here goes...
1. crunches every morning (good-bye baby belly!).
2. ride bike to school every day. yes, every day. and rides to the bus or MAX count -- it's still at least 10 blocks...
3. teach my ass off.
4. listen more. and respond with comments that aren't about me.
5. be nicer to my husband. it's true, I'm not very nice when I'm stressed. I hope to start changing that.
I feel I should have something about the girls but I can't think of anything. that's a good sign, right? does that mean I'm happy with my parenting and the love and attention I give to my girls?
'cause I am.
and all the things listed above will ultimately lead to me being a better mom anyway.
by the way, my New Year's begins monday when school starts again, so, one more crunch-free day!
Happy New Year world!
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