Chinese Parenting and Cooking

Even in the States I was familiar with the custom of Chinese grandparents caring for their grandchildren. I envied those parents, having help with the kids that didn't cost $1000/month, a live-in cleaning and kitchen staff, and just a closer family in general.

Moving here, I was prepared for the stories of people living with their parents, their parents caring for their children. A colleague of mine mentioned how her parents come stay with her and her husband during the week to cook for them while they work. Or the other colleague whose in-laws have recently moved in for the same purpose.

I see grandparents with grandkids everywhere, and definitely more than I see parents with their children. And boy are these kids spoiled. Maybe a by-product of the one-child policy (more on that later), but these kids don't have to carry their bags to or from the school bus, feed themselves (saw a 9-year-old being fed bites of a chicken burger while walking home), or clean up after themselves.

But what I was very surprised to learn the other day - many of these kids live with the grandparents only! The parents live somewhere else, sometimes in the same building, sometimes across town. But the grandparents aren't there to help, they are raising the kids. I was astounded. I was furious. I didn't know how to react.

Actually, my first thought was, no wonder parents bug their kids to have kids - they want kids. My next thought was, I understand now why it takes so long for things to change in this country.

The Chinese of my generation are changing the focus of life, money, and communication in this country. They are more educated, make more money, and are in general, much better off than their parents. But none of this will pass to subsequent generations for another 20-30 years. My generation is not teaching their kids, but waiting to teach their grandkids.

Okay, but really what gets me is how you can have a child, pass them over to your parents, and essentially, walk away. They visit their kids on their day off. They have no relationship with their kids. Parents are like the family friends you see weekly for dinner, not any sort of parenting figure. And as a parent, I cannot imagine being so distant from my kids. And them from me!

This is a part of Chinese culture I cannot stand behind. I will not criticize openly (after this little rant, at least), but I also will not encourage it.

Something Chinese I can support, however, is the cooking.

My very generous mother-in-law sent us some cookbooks about  Sichuan cooking. We are in the land of Sichuan (Szechwan in the States) and that means very spicy food. It is fabulous. And it is easy.

My favorite cookbook so far is Mrs. Chiang's Szechwan Cookbook. Mrs. Chiang is apparently the Julia Child of Sichuan cooking and I have discovered why. This book holds the recipe basics for all Sichuan cooking, from chilled bean curd to street noodles to hot pot. As is in many cultures, cooking the food is more about the technique than decifering its exoticness (is that a word? It should be). The keys to most Sichuan cooking are the spices, and there are only a few you need - garlic, ginger, sichuan peppercorns, and chili bean paste. With these, anything deliciously wonderful you crave is at your fingertips.

Here is my current favorite:

Eggplant with Chopped Meat (adapted from Mrs. Chiang)

Ingredients
1/2 lb. ground pork                  
3 tbsps. soy sauce
1tbsp. sesame oil
8 scallions                                  
2 medium eggplants  (about 1 lb.)                    
8 cloves garlic                            
1-inch piece fresh ginger             
5 tbsps peanut oil                       
2 tbsps chili bean paste
1 1/2 tsps sugar
1 1/2 tsps salt

Preparation

1. Put the pork in a bowl and add the soy sauce and sesame oil.
2. Clean and chop the scallions, green and white parts, about 1/8-inch wide. Add half the scallions to the pork mix. Save the other half.
3. Peel the eggplants and cut into 1-inch cubes (though I usually go closer to 2-inches).
4. Smash, peel, and chop the garlic into pieces the size of uncooked rice.
5. Peel, and chop the ginger into pieces the size of uncooked rice.

Cooking

1. Heat wok over med-high about 15 seconds and add the peanut oil. The oil is ready when first little bubbles appear.
2. Add garlic and ginger and cook 30 seconds stirring constantly to keep from burning.
3. Add chili bean paste and stir another 30 seconds.
4. Add the pork and cook for 2 minutes, stirring constantly and breaking the pork into small pieces.
5. Add the eggplant and stir to coat. Cook for about 4 minutes, or until the eggplant begins to soften.
6. Add salt and sugar and cook 1 minute.
7. Pour in 2/3 cup water, add reserved scallions, and bring to a boil. Turn down to simmer, cover, and cook 10-15 minutes to preferred consistency.
8. Put in a serving bowl. Serve with rice and a vegetable stir-fry (garlic green beans are our favorite with this dish).

I sometimes make this on Sunday and eat it all week. Like many dishes, it is sometimes better after a couple of days. One note of caution: have all ingredients ready before cooking. Cooking in a wok requires baby-sitting. You must be there to stir constantly until the simmering part or the dish will burn.

Also, you should be able to find chili bean paste at a Chinese or Asian market. If not, another Asian hot pepper paste can be used, though I haven't done this personally. The recipe in the book calls for hot pepper paste, but the most flavorful in Chongqing is the chili bean paste so that is what I use.

Happy cooking!

Some things are better left said

There are so many things I want to say but fear the breadth of my readership. The expat community here is very small, and though I don't feel totally at home, they are our link to the world outside Chongqing. Sometimes you just need a China break.

Ah! I can't say what I want.

Title change. 'Some things are better left UNsaid'.

Mood change...

Here are some recent thoughts and goings on:

• My husband is out getting me chocolate and a movie to wash away my not-grading-tonight-no-matter-what guilt.
• I leave in 3 days for a beautiful stay on the ocean in Shenzen. Work thing, but only from 9-3. Not sure I'll know what to do with myself without children around. Oh - Mexican food. May eat there every meal.
• I know you wish someone at some point in your life had said this to you: "I tooted this way so it wouldn't get in your eyes again". I know you're jealous. Your day will come.
• For the first time tonight someone I've never seen before pressed the button for my floor without prompting.
• I miss grass.
• H&M opened two weeks ago and I have started rebuilding my wardrobe. Finally, clothes that fit.
• A 4-lane bridge became 6 lanes in a weeks time. Next week I'll have pictures of the crane being used to put in a tree. Seriously. A crane. 15-foot tall tree. Seriously.
• I am terribly sorry for not keeping up with your blogs.
• Penny has a mysterious China rash.
• I have new slippers.




New slippers



• So does Tate.



Tate's new slippers.



How have you changed in the past 3 months?

I'm glad you asked!

1. I have developed seasonal allergies to whatever blooms here in the fall. After a "oh sh*t I'm allergic to dust mites and they're in our mattress" scare, we have determined I am just allergic to the normal stuff. Still pretty horrible.

2. I have lost 10 lbs! Without trying! Baby weight finally leaving after 19 months. This is a very cool and very frustrating consequence of being sick for a month, eating smaller portions, and carrying 35-lb children around on your back. The few clothes I brought no longer fit, including the brand new pair of shorts that my mom and I argued about over the size (she swore I should get the smaller ones and I demured). I feel frumpy every time I walk out the door. And I want to buy new clothes, but finding time to go shopping without the family is hard.

3. I'm building really awesome relationships with my students. Rad.

4. I love my husband more. We went out last night (without kids until 11!) and I could only think about how much more I love him because of this experience. He has always been supportive of anything I wanted to do, but he has taken on the role of a house husband with relish. He cooks. He cleans. He gets up early with the girls. He doesn't get mad when I have to work for the 4th night in a row. He puts up with my bad moods. He tries to learn Chinese and find the cool parts of the city for us. He just jumped in, by my side, smiling, into this crazy city that is now home. And I'm finding I don't have the vocabulary to really express what I mean. But wow, how I love this man.

5. I understand less of what my child says as she learns to speak. As Penny learns English, she is also learning Chinese. Harper too. But Penny has a Chinese nanny 2 days a week (for $15 a day!) and is learning a lot of Chinese from her. We went walking last week and Penny pointed to a little orange a little boy had and said something. The grandparents with this boy went crazy over the fact that Penny said something and repeated it over and over excitedly. I still have no clue what she said. Apparently, it was Chinese.

6. I'm living in China!!!! Yeah, still new, still amazing.

How have you changed since I left? Would love to hear.

Being a mom in China

Being a Caucasian mother in Chongqing is difficult. There are so many things I don't have here that I take for granted back home: clean water out of the tap; clothes without a bunch of sparkly crap on them; car seats.

But most of all, it is two things: the attention, and reading labels.

Oh, the attention. Alone, I bring a lot of attention to myself just because I am not Chinese. I constantly hear waigouren, foreigner, when walking about. Add two adorable children, one with blonde hair, the other chubby cheeks, and swarms begin. Everywhere we go with the girls we cannot stop moving. Stopping means people come to touch, clap at, scream at, and essentially scare, the girls. People touch their hair. People pet their faces. Older ladies, especially, clap in the girls' faces, scream things at them in Chinese, and send the girls scrambling for cover.

I understand that in China, there is a different meaning of personal space. Friends hold hands walking down the street, and standing right up against someone in the checkout at the grocery store is not uncomfortable.

But frightening small children is too much. The girls will become visibly upset and people just laugh, and come in for more. The touching is one thing. The clapping is another. But not stopping when kids run and cry is too much. It really REALLY bothers me.

I was nice in the beginning, but now, I don't stop. I push hands away. I protect my girls.

And no more pictures. What are we, a freak show?

The other thing bothering me lately is not being able to read labels. It's annoying as a mom, and just as a shopper. I am used to knowing what I am purchasing. Most times now I can only guess. It has pushed us toward much more fresh food, which is good, but sometimes you just want to make something out of a box. Not that there is much of that here, but what exists is not available to us. Pictures on labels and boxes are even less reliable here with no enforceable laws against false advertising. There's no way to be sure what ingredients are in something. Mostly we guess, and have been alright so far. But not knowing what you are feeding your child is a bit unsettling.

Overall, we are adjusting to life in Chongqing - I am adjusting. I seem to be having the most difficult time, but I also have had the least exposure to the city. I have been working since 5 days after arriving. The culture shock has hit me harder. I will get used to it, and create survival strategies to manage.

But until then, I hate being a mom in China.